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【IELTS writing task2】出来はともかくテンプレ通りに攻略してみる。その2

その1に続いて、同じ問題で賛成か反対かを述べるパターンの某ブログに載っていた攻略法で書き直したバージョンです。

 

以下、解答

People in the general public have different views about whether or not punishment is useful way to teach children the difference between right and wrong at an early age. However, I completely disagree with the idea that significant neighbor like parents and teachers are allowed to use punishment to help children learn this distinction.

 

In an interview with a famous critic of education, he pointed out that no relation of punishment for children and their good behavior whether punishment is big or small. Therefore, punishment is not enough role to help them learn right or wrong behavior. I completely agree his opinion. Because, before teaching the right things via punishment, children need to recognise themselves what is the difference between right and wrong. I believe that this recognition comes with children's growth which is led from spending time with good parents nad teachers naturally. This means good adults who show good behavior are able to reach good things to children without punishment.

 

And then, according to the recent research conducted by Tokyo University of Educaiton and Health which is the prestigious university in the field of children's education in Japan, actually, they found the fact that over 90% of children are suffered some punishment by teachers. This is higher than other countries. When we focus the suicide rate of Japanese young people, especially student, is really high, punishment seems bad behavior for children's mental health.

 

For the reasons mentioned above, I believe that the good behavior of significant neighbor transmit it to children directly and naturally without punishment.

 

 

 

 

どうでしょうか。文字数は258語。テンプレは赤字で示してます。

最初に書いたその1のやつより随分スッキリしました。鍵はイントロの1文目が問題提起、2文目は自分の意見を述べるというところですね。後は自分の意見をサポートするそれっぽい内容1とそれっぽい内容2を添えます。最後にこう思うんだよねー的なのを添える。らしいっす。(完全に他のブログを参考にしてます。)